Realism

My exposure to my classmates has increased rapidly over the past few months. And this would mean an increase of my exposure to the idealists, relationship idealists in particular. They’re the minority in this age of un-innocence. They are the ones who are moved by the Jean Pierre Jeunet’s concept of love – enduring, honest, pure – and faithful. Normally, when you get exposed to something, or someone, you slowly become it, or at least like it. But what is happening to me is the complete opposite. I’m starting to think, am I romantically challenged? Have I been too realistic, to the point I’m cynical, and that my ideals have evaporated in thin air?

Maybe I am, since I acknowledge the arbitrariness of emotions. I believe, that even if you’ve committed yourself to Mr. or Ms. Right-For-Me, there’s no guarantee you’d never find someone like Mr. and Ms. Ideal, or commonly known as, your childhood romance fantasy. It’s true. It can happen. But I bet some of my college classmates (who happen to be experiencing puberty just now) would disagree, since they believe in the kind of love that’s seen in those Korean movies. (I think Korea realized they could bank on other people’s emotions. Manufactured love, it is.)

One friend asked me, “What would you do if you find yourself liking somebody else, but you’ve got a partner?” I answered, “Wow, you sure are asking the right person.”

I think it’s a matter of how you know yourself. We are our hearts’ own gauges. We are the only ones who know whether we’re in love, or we love somebody more than somebody else. But it isn’t that simple. Emotions are emotions, like what I said, they are arbitrary, perhaps the most spontaneous thing in the whole damn universe. So we can just rely on our hearts, we have our minds to rationalize things. But it never said it makes things easier. In fact, the mind complicates it further. Suddenly, we find ourselves trying to choose between two goods or two evils, or maybe more. And the situation gets more difficult to get out from.

Well, I admire my friend for actually admitting to his partner he cannot commit anymore because he LIKES somebody else. How honest could he get! How brave! He just LIKES (stress on the like, not love) person #2. And he’s not even sure if person #2 even likes him back. He said that if person #2 doesn’t work out well, he’s man enough to take it. Good guy, after all.

So, where does “Wow, you sure are asking the right person...” come now? Well, it happened to me too. I happen to have found someone I came to like, really like. I met the person with whom I found the passion, the direction and the stability I’m looking for in a man. But a whole lot different from my friend, I did not give up the person I am with. For like what I said, I gauged my heart and my emotions are not strong enough to make me leave my man. It’s just a matter of realizing: I love him and I just like the other guy. There’s a difference between LIKE and LOVE, sometimes, it’s a thin line. But you see I have my own definition of them. LIKE is when you can verbalize why you admire the person, why you think about them, why you say they are your dreams who came to life. Whereas with LOVE, you cannot explain anything. You can try a million times but you’ll never succeed.

Wait, as I read myself now, I realized a thing. I might be one of the most cynical persons in the whole world, the least romantic, the most objective, when it comes to love and romance. But one thing is for sure, I just betray myself time and time again. At least, I am real, and realistic. Life isn’t that easy to explain.

Enlistment

Dumating ang kaibigan ko sa UP ng mga 2:30 PM, bumaba mula sa kotse niyang magara, ipinagmaneho pa ng drayber. Siguro tinatamad lang siya, kasi marunong naman siya pero minaximize parin niya ang pinapasweldo ng mga magulang niya sa drayber nila. Makaraan ang kalahating oras, aba’t kasabay ko na siyang pumunta sa parking lot para sumakay sa kotse at umuwi. Siya, pumunta ng 2:30 at nakaalis ng 3:00. Ako, pumunta ako ng 7:00 AM at nakaalis ng 3:00 PM.

Ang kaibigan kong iyon ay isa sa marahil sa mga tinapunan ng Diyos ng swerte sa CRS. At ako, malamang hindi ako katulad niya. Tulad ko ang marami pang ibang estudyante ng UP – pinagdamutan ng magandang skedyul ng CRS. Swerte pa nga yata ako’t isang subject na lamang ang kulang ko at kailangan kong manu-manong ipalista. Mayroong ibang kahit masipag namang nag-internet at nag-enlist, walang subject na nakuha.

Ang CRS ay mapagbalat-kayo. Aakalain mong binibigyan ka niya ng kapangyarihang pumili ng subject, pero hindi naman. Kahit limampung beses mo yatang piliin ang isang subject sa magandang oras, gagawa at gagawa parin ang CRS ng paraan para makuha mo ang 5:30 – 7:00 PM na klase.

Kaya sa araw ng enrolment, lumalabas na ang mga pangil, kumakapal na ang mga balat. Lahat ay magkakalaban, tila nag-aagawan sa tsansang mabuhay. Sa bagay, pangit ang buhay kapag pangit ang sked. Pero yun nga, tuwing araw ng enrolment, lahat at nag-uunahan, lahat ay nag-uutakan. Walang kai-kaibigan.

Okay lang namang makipag-unahan. Okay lang ding maghintay. Okay lang ding pumila. Okay lang ding masungitan ng taong naglilista, o ng kahera. Pero ang hindi siguro yata okay ay yung mahgintay ka sa mahabang pila at masingitan, sa panahon ikaw na ang susunod.

Hindi biro ang masingitan sa pila sa enlistment, maaring ang slot na kinuha ng sumingit ay ang slot na dapat sa iyo. Mapait na karanasan iyon, mabigat sa damdamin.

At iyon nga ang nagyari sa akin.

Laking pasalamat ko na nga’t hindi mapang-api ang mga tao sa college of science at maski 10:30 ng umaga’y pumayag silang magpa-enlist ang isang tulad kong taga-FA. (Hay nako, kung sino man ang nag-imbento ng tri-Col na iyan sa enlistment kung saan mauuna lahat ng estudyanteng may kurso sa college of science, social science and philosophy at arts and letters. At ang iba, sa hapon na lang. Medyo hindi makatarungan.) Maayos na nga ang lahat. Tinitiis ko ang pagtayo ng mahigit isang oras, hayaang mapanis ang laway ko dahil wala akong kausap, para lang makakuha ng MST. Sa panahon malapit na ako, mga tatlong tao na lang sa harapan ko, dumating ang dalawang epal.

Ang dalawang epal ay dalawang babae. Maklaklasipika ko silang mga glossy girls, o yung mga babaeng ang porma’t ayos ay nasa uso, pa-sosyal at yung nagmamaganda. May metallic belt at bolero pa silang nalalaman. Todo-make-up at nagsisipulahan ang mga pisngi, pati na ang mga kuko, katulad nung kay Gwen Stefani. Naka-oversized leather bags, tulad ng pinauso nina Nicole Richie at ni Lidsay Lohan. Basta, sila yung mga pa-pop princess. Yung halatang sunod sa uso, kitang kita ang effort pumorma (na sa palagay ko ay mali, kasi dapat effortless ang porma.)

Nadarama ko na namang sisingit silang dalawa kasi matagal-tagal narin silang papunta-punta malapit sa akin. Nagkwekwentuhan pa sila’t ngayayabangan kung gaano sila kagaling sumingit tuwing enlistment (meaning hindi nila unang beses ginawa ang ginawa nila sa akin.) Sabi pa nga nung isa, “Gosh, alam mo sobra talagang kapal ng mukha ko. Tuwing enlistment, singit lang ako ng singit.” Sagot ng kasama niya, “Nakukuha sa ganda eh.”

Pwede ba. Hindi naman sila maganda. Sige, bibigyan kong pagpapahalaga na yung isa ay kahawig ni Camille Prats at yung isa’y malahiganti sa tangkad, mukhang beauty queen. Oo, pisikal, paganda sila. Ewan ko na lang sa ugali.

At ayun. Sumingit na nga sila. Mabuti nalang, hindi nila nalusutan yung naglilista, napansing di naman sila nakapila. Ayan, hindi tuloy nakakuha ng subject.

Kung lahat ng magagandang babae, aabusuhin yung pisikal nilang katangian, o gagamitin pa ito sa masama, mawawala rin ito. Kahit gaanong kakapal na make-up ang ipahid nila sa mga mukha nila, o kahit isuot pa nila ang mga modang nasa magasin, o lahit kamukha pa sila ng artista, kung saksakan ng sama ang ugali nila, wala rin. Maganda lang sila sa unang tingin, pero walang hanggang panlalait ang inaabot nila sa bawat taong sinisingitan nila sa pila. Kagaya ko. Walang hanggan ko na yata silang kamumuhian. Naku, pag nakita ko ulit ang dalawang iyon.

Mga walang konsiderasyon. Bakit ba may tulad nilang puamapasa sa UP?